


Roommates

by redandgold



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Gen, england nt - Freeform, vintage england anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-18 09:08:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7308742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redandgold/pseuds/redandgold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five questions. Five answers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Scheville

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Anemoi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anemoi/gifts), [neyvenger (jjjat3am)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjjat3am/gifts).



> Soooo this is a spin-off of England NT's Roommates series (watch them all [here](https://www.youtube.com/user/fatv/search?query=roommates) my fav is whatever the Alli/Dier ship name is) bc what if vintage England had them??? or clubs??? answer: fun times!

**Gary Neville & Paul Scholes**

 

"We really have to do this." 

"Mhm." 

"We can't, like, kill someone and go to jail and avoid this."

Gary purses his lips. "It would be better if we didn't." 

Scholesy heaves a sigh like it's the end of the world and someone's eaten the last pie. "In the future, when I quit England, this will have been why." 

-

They put the earphones on Gary first, which Gary is quite happy about, because it means a good, healthy dose of the Charlatans. Scholesy looks at how happy Gary is spinning around in his seat, actually  _ bopping _ , and feels like throwing up.

"What," he says when the cameraman looks at him, and then at the card, and then at him again. "I have to  _ read it out _ ?" 

"Yes please." The cameraman looks like he's going to have a nervous breakdown at any second. 

"Why don't you just put the text on the screen?" 

"Because then it'd just be you giving one-word answers throughout the whole video." 

Scholesy levels a gaze at him that could have been the origin of the phrase 'if looks could kill' had it not been chronologically impossible. 

"Your point?" 

-

They finally manage to convince Scholesy to read out the cards. This involves four boxes of Marks and Spencer's assorted chocolate biscuits. Two of them are for Gary because Scholesy knows he would be dead if he found out that free food had been on offer and he didn't get any.

"What is Gary's middle name? A. Alexander, B. John, C. Neville." Scholesy can't roll his eyes harder if he tried, and he's trying. "I've known the man twelve sodding years and you think I don't know the answer to this question? What sort of fucking quiz is this?" 

"We can edit this out," the cameraman whispers to his frantic manager, who also looks like he's going to have a nervous breakdown. 

"A, duh. Gary Alexander Neville. John is Phil's. Neville's their dad." 

They make Gary take off his headphones, which he isn't too pleased about until he spots the chocolate. It's just as well that they also make him write down the answer because his mouth is stuffed within two seconds of that occurrence.

"Absolutely correct," he mumbles through bits of crumb. 

"Obviously," says Scholesy. "Do you know mine?" 

Gary thinks for a bit. "Is it 'knobhead'?"

-

"Right. Second one. Against which team did Gary make his Manchester United debut? A. Liverpool, B. Torpedo Moscow C. Rapid Vienna." The cameraman is slowly getting used to Scholesy's baleful looks. "Fucking Liverpool? If he'd made his debut against Liverpool, he wouldn't have had a career, he'd have been smacked to death within seconds for winding up all of the crowd."

The cameraman wrings his hands. 

"All right, all right, you twat. B, obviously. He came on what, two minutes and fucked up a long throw."

"I did not fuck up the throw," Gary complains when Scholesy politely repeats his sentiments post-earphones. "Pally fucked up the throw. I put in a gorgeous throw. And it was not two minutes."

"How many, then?" 

Gaz shuffles his feet and mumbles "three". 

-

"Two down, three more sets of bollocks to go. This is fun, isn't it? I could sit here and do this all day. I  _ could _ , but there are better things to do. Like setting myself on fire while repeatedly sticking toothpicks into my eyes." 

Scholesy gets the next question right as well ("who would Gary want to play him in a movie? Robert de Niro") and Gary's starting to get a bit rattled. Scholesy grins smugly. 

"I am not losing to a ginger midget," Gary vows.

-

"What name did Gary Neville once give as a fake name in hospital? Oh,  _ easy _ . Simon fucking Brown. Gave him stick for weeks. Don't think we've stopped, to be honest. Who the fuck thinks of fucking  _ Simon _ ?"

Gary takes this as a personal insult. "There is nothing wrong with thinking of Simon. It's a normal name." 

"It's a name for middle-aged men who faff around on golf courses reciting poetry as a poor example for their intellectual capacity." 

"No one recites poetry on golf courses." 

"Oi. Redknapp tries his best." 

-

"Final question, right?" 

"Yes." The cameraman mutters a quiet 'thank god' which Scholesy chooses to ignore. 

"Who did Sir Alex Ferguson blame for Gary's height? A. policeman, B. milkman, C. postman. Easy. Milkman. Milkman, Gaz!" Scholesy yells, signalling to Gary to pull his headphones off. "Acknowledge my brilliance and then we can get the hell out of here." 

"My favourite thing," says Gary as he scribbles the answer down for the camera, "is that you asked Paul Scholes a question about height." 

Scholesy is too excited at the prospect of leaving that he doesn't even punch Gary that hard. "Are we done now? Are we finally fucking done? Will I never have to see camera bloke's face again?" 

"Uh." The wince that the cameraman gives is symptomatic of everyone who meets Scholesy. "I hate to break it to you, but. We still need to get Gary's bit." 

It's difficult to tell exactly what swear words Scholesy is screaming when they're muffled by his hands.

-

"What is Paul's favourite type of biscuit? A. chocolate digestives, B. hobnobs, C. custard creams. This is a ridiculous question. There's one reason I have two kilograms of custard creams in my pantry and that reason is Paul Scholes." 

"Is it really two kilos?" Scholesy asks with interest. 

-

"How many goals did Paul score on his United debut?" 

In retrospect, it's quite pointless to be asking questions about Paul Scholes's career to Number One Paul Scholes Fanboy Gary Neville, who not only gives the correct answer (two) but also the minutes and offers the youtube link, if they're  _ really  _ interested. 

Scholesy doesn't know whether to be embarrassed or totally weirded out. 

-

The third question is a bit trickier. "What's the most played song in Paul's car?" Gary looks over at Scholesy, who's doing this little head nod thing that reeks of I'm awkward as fuck and am really enjoying this song but would like people to not-know. 

"A. Wonderwall, B. Love Will Tear Us Apart, C. Lift It High." Gary flips the piece of paper in his hands and stares incredulously at the cameraman. "Lift It High? A million Manchester bands to choose from and you go with Lift It High? I'm fairly certain we had to feed him two bottles of vodka just to get him to appear in the music video." 

In the end Gary guesses A and Scholesy makes a disgruntled face as he reveals the correct answer. "You're a City fan," Gary crows. 

"Excuse me, Mr. sent Noel Gallagher a guitar."

"He wrote MCFC all over it to spite me, didn't he?" 

"Yeah, and you still own it, don't you?" 

Scholesy has a valid point. Gary considers the implications of this anxiously. 

-

"What was Paul's first official number?" 

Gary tries very hard to ignore the hand signs that Scholesy's making at him in order to speed things up. If he's going to win this he's going to do it fair and square and completely without ginger midget aid.  

"B. 24. I've definitely seen his shirt somewhere." 

Scholesy scowls. "I knew I shouldn't of kept it." 

"You'd give up a priceless piece of memorabilia to win a useless TV quiz you don't even want to be on?" 

"if it means watching you do that thing when your face crumbles like Liverpool have just won the league, yes." 

-

The fifth question stumps Gary. "This isn't fair," he moans, staring at the card. "What brand of soap does Paul use? How the fuck am I supposed to know that? Does Scholesy even use soap?" 

As it turns out, Scholesy does and Gary gets four out of five. He throws a mini-tantrum and storms out of the room, his face crumbling just like Scholesy said it would. Scholesy grins at the cameraman like a cat. 

"Right, then," he says. "Does this mean I can finally leave?" 

"Y-es," says the cameraman uncertainly, looking at his footage. "Well, actually, I think we might need to re-shoot certain bits because of all the swearing - "

By the time he looks up, Scholesy has vanished, the chair still spinning. Instead, Gary is standing in the doorway looking at his feet. 

"Oh, great!" The cameraman's naivety knows no bounds. "Here for the re-shoot already, are you? Listen, could you go get Scholesy back and then we can start - "

"Re-shoot?" Gary stares at him. "No. I'm, uh, just here because I forgot my chocolates. D'you want one? Because you'd better take it now, otherwise it's all going to be gone in about three minutes." 

"So instead of making your debut you could have eaten a box of chocolates," says the cameraman, thoroughly defeated. Gary pauses to consider this and almost cries when he realises how many boxes of chocolate he's missed because of football. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- I wrote this on the uh plane so I have not read through this oops  
> \- I'm not actually sure whether Scheville were roommates for England because Scholesy retired from intl football in 2004 and Gaz had Becks but for Shaz anything becomes possible :> (also technically this could be an MUTV production and they'd definitely have roomed tgt)  
> \- all the facts besides Oasis and soap are true (Gaz thinks [Woody Harrelson](www.digitalspy.co.uk/movies/interviews/a534827/paul-scholes-gary-neville-talk-class-of-92-we-knew-our-group-were-different.html#~pd2X25UTz43anh) should play Scholesy) (Scholesy really loves [custard creams](https://vine.co/v/MD7dXIqzK9V)) (the Simon Brown story is a thing of beauty it's not online but pls ask if you want to know!)  
> \- Scholesy is so awkward in the [lift it high](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNHxm1oI72M) video...then again when is he not awkward  
> \- Thank you for reading! suggestions for who's next are totally welcome :3


	2. McGrowler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Julija <3 (but also 4 me bc mcgrowler might possibly be my fav sin ship /// ok i kid i love gerlonso but still)

**Robbie Fowler & Steve McManaman**

 

"I hope they have lots of questions about small ears." 

"You knob." 

"Because you have, you know, small ears." 

"You. Knob." 

-

Robbie and Steve sprawl over the chairs like two cats entangled in a ball of yarn. The mess of limbs is a bit much for the official cameraman, who stares pleadingly at them until they reluctantly extricate themselves from each other and sit up straight. "Eh, Macca. D'you think this is going to be boring?" Robbie says, looking over at Steve, who's already yawning.

"Worst thing in the world. These lot always ask the stupidest questions." 

"Uhhh." The interviewer raises his hand and gives it a little wave. "I'm right here." 

"Mmm. True. Isn't that the same divvy who was with us for that shitshow in '94?" 

"Fuck, I think you're right." Steve tilts his head and gives the interviewer a long squint that makes him distinctly uncomfortable. "Can't believe they employed this muppet in the first place." 

"Still here." 

-

With Robbie gently bopping his head to some Beatles song (Steve hazards a guess at either  _ Mean Mr. Mustard  _ or  _ Her Majesty _ , because, as he sagely explains to the interviewer, Robbie's small ears can only handle the short songs) Steve pulls out the cards and frowns at them, like he's mentally translating the English to Scouse. "Right-o. First question. How many goals did Robbie score at Liverpool in total?" 

Numbers are to Steve McManaman like spelling 'McManaman' is to normal people. He snorts. "I dunno. Ask him. He's right there." 

"That kind of is the point," the interviewer prods gently, if gentleness was regret flavoured with mild hysteria.

"You don't know how many goals I scored?" Robbie asks in complete disbelief when this is brought to his attention. "Mate. That's tragic." 

"Do you know how many goals you scored?" Steve counters. Robbie pauses with his finger raised and his mouth open. Steve smirks and refrains from making a tasteless joke about how that brings back memories.

-

The second question takes a little more thought. 'What is Robbie's most annoying pre-match superstition?' makes Steve wrinkles his nose, because, to tell the truth, all of them are. 

"Did he tell you the one where he has to snap my pants when he walks past my locker? Because that is the  _ worst _ . I swear to god, my bum cheeks are probably redder than my shirt sometimes. At least he doesn't do it the other way, although sometimes he does like to grab - what do you mean you can't put this on telly?" 

The correct answer turns out to be wearing two pairs of socks, and Steve is miffed. "If smacking my bum isn't important, why d'you do it?" he whines. 

Robbie's response makes Steve smile with smug satisfaction. It's also entirely unsuitable for children.

-

"When is Robbie's birthday?" 

Steve's face as he stares at the card in his hand is reminiscent of the baker who left his oven on and started the Great Fire of London. "Ohhh, god, he's going to kill me," he mumbles into his hands. "A. 11 February, B. 13 November, C. 9 April. Right, I know it isn't the first one because that's mine, but. Oh, bollocks. Uh, B." 

Robbie's face as he stares at a petulant Steve is reminiscent of the look Caesar must have given Brutus upon his stabbing. "You don't know? You don't know a  _ multiple choice question _ ?" 

"Look, it was 50/50 and you  _ know  _ how bad I am with dates!" 

"You sent those lovely flowers to my mum on her birthd - " Sudden, stark realisation crosses Robbie's face and he stares at Steve with a mix of horror and resignation. "No way." 

Steve shifts uncomfortably and silently wishes that the ground would swallow him up. 

"And those thoughtful chocolate horses you did for my - " Robbie gasps accusingly. 

"In my defence," Steve says, jutting his chin out in defiance, "Redders offered." 

-

"How does Robbie like his eggs, A. poached, B. scrambled or C. fried?" Steve looks like he's smelt blood and the interviewer looks like he's going to die at the next convenient moment. "I don't know, but I can tell you how he likes his...sausages." 

"Please let's not do this," the interviewer says to his clipboard.

Steve thinks about it for a bit, even though he definitely knows the answer to this one. He's not sure how responding immediately might lead to conclusions about breakfasts in bed, however right they might be. 

"Fried eggs, like any proper Scouser," he chirps eventually. Robbie grins his acknowledgement and also his sudden desire for fried eggs. The pair of them refuse to continue until they've had some, and after that demand an entire all-day breakfast, causing everyone on the crew to question their career choices. 

-

The interviewer has almost bitten off all of his fingernails by the time Steve turns to his final question. "What is his shoe size?" Steve twists his nose irritably. "Right, this is a trick question. 'Cause he wears six and a halves while playing, but he's actually a size eight. Do you know how much shit I've gotten from the apprentices who have to clean his bloody, sweaty crap?" 

Robbie sneers when he's informed of this. "I love having a personal assistant, don't you?" 

"I wish I knew," the interviewer mutters. 

"Hey, Robbie," says Macca.

"What?" 

"When it's cold, what size earmuffs do you wear? I didn't think they stock anything less than a size zero." 

-

Robbie pummels Steve all the way to the secondary chair, in a manner that looks like a brussel sprout attacking an asparagus. There's something weirdly sweet, thinks the interviewer, about the way Steve lets him, even though he could probably lay him flat in one smack. 

Whatever aww-shucks sentiment the interviewer felt quickly melts away when Robbie turns to the first question. "Was Steve rude?" he asks absently.

"Yes, very. Why do you ask?" 

"Oh, no reason." Robbie smiles suspiciously. "It's always that we try to out-lewd each other. Very, you say?" 

"I didn't - " squeaks the interviewer, but it's too late. 

"If Macca was an actual spice, what spice would he be? A. Coriander, B. Oregano, C. Pepper. I'd say...cum-in."

Steve thinks this is the funniest answer in the world when he hears it. "I should've thought of that," he howls, spinning around in his chair delightedly. "Can we change my answer to that?"

The interviewer doesn't respond, too busy muttering a silent prayer as he is.

-

"What is Macca's guilty pleasure?" 

" _Don't_ say 'you'," the interviewer pre-empts. Robbie's face falls. 

"A. Coronation Street, B. Everton, C. Les Miserables." Robbie butchers the last option so badly that it's quite obvious it isn't the answer. "I want to say B, but I'm not sure if he'd admit it on national TV. I know he's always watching some stupid show on the telly with too many characters and Manc accents, so I'm going to go with A." 

"It's not a stupid show," Steve protests. "It is an ode to the Northern working class, masterfully shot and scripted."

"One of them got jailed with a weird lady after she fell in love with a bogus airline pilot and robbed a bank." 

Steve thinks about it for a bit and turns back to the interviewer. "Is it too late to change my answer to B?" 

-

Robbie starts grinning when he reads the next one. "Which film did Macca cry most at?" He slaps the card down and guffaws. "Macca sobs at  _ everything _ . He's nothing but a big baby." 

"With normal sized ears," Macca shouts rudely across the room.

" _ Titanic _ , definitely. He sobbed at that for  _ weeks _ . We came home and he just spent two hours ruining my pillows with his tears."

"Those two had ONLY EACH OTHER _ , _ " yells Steve, tearing up again.

-

The horror is almost over. The interviewer looks on encouragingly as Robbie picks up the second-to-last card. "What did Macca's granddad do for a living? A. Bookmaking, B. Cooking, C. Plumbing. Hm." 

Robbie spends close to two minutes on this one, determined to do better than Steve, although that really isn't hard to do. "I'm guessing not cooking, because he'd never have made it as a footballer, Mr. steals all my chips. Is it C?" 

"Bookmaking," Steve says with an air of misguided superiority. "A noble art."

"Did he ever put money on you? I bet you've lost him millions." 

"No, although he did lose a ton because of your open goal miss at Fulham. He says hi, by the way."

Robbie pales.

-

"Last one," the interviewer says, practically shoving the card into Robbie's hands. "Please, please,  _ please  _ no bawdiness." 

"What is his favourite footballing memory?" 

The question is open season for bawdiness. Robbie runs through a litany of dressing room shenanigans, on-pitch butt slappings, and suspiciously close celebrations, but then spots the last option on the card and smiles fondly despite himself. 

"Meeting me, of course," he says.

"Meeting you, of course," says Steve, and tugs on one of Robbie's ears, laughing.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- McGrowler _actually_ did this: watch it [here](https://youtu.be/qpztSLAjO6o?t=1m21s)  
>  \- Mean Mr. Mustard is 1 minute long; Her Majesty is 24 seconds long (it's cute tho)  
> \- Robbie scored 183 goals for Liverpool, 252 total  
> \- [Robbie does have this weird superstition of two pairs of socks and shoes a size smaller.](http://www.thisisanfield.com/2014/05/get-lucky-7-famous-liverpool-player-pre-match-rituals-superstitions/) [He is a size eight.](https://twitter.com/robbie9fowler/status/299279213482102784) [There really was a Coronation Street plotline like that](https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/tvandradioblog/2011/sep/21/carla-rape-controversial-coronation-street-storyline) although I doubt Macca watches Corrie. [Macca's granddad really was a bookmaker.](https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2002/mar/10/horseracing.football) [Robbie did miss an open goal at Fulham.](http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/eng_prem/6602879.stm) Everything else is made up and I'm pretty sure the Titanic line is from Friends (is it the episode where Chandler can't cry??? I can't remember anw this obviously exposes me as a nerd)  
> \- The '94 interview was apparently one in which they were all lewdy and talked about girls and cars and stuff but I can't find a copy of it creys


End file.
